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Is your familiar plotting to kill you? Know the warning signs.

Is your familiar plotting to kill you?  Know the warning signs.

Have you ever tripped over your cat(s) and yelled, “Are you trying to kill me?!”  Of course you have. They’re notorious for that kind of shady shit.  But were they actually plotting to kill you?  The following is a list of ways to find out if your furry familiar is out to get you.


A cat’s weight increases when they’re lying on you

cats can seem to weigh ten times heavier when they’re lying on us.  This is a trick they learned from ancient ninja assassin cats.  They used this ability to trap and smother their victims.  If your cat is trained in the ancient ninja assassin cat martial arts, look out.


cat-kill2They snub their dry food and just stare at you.  Cats are carnivorous.  They love the thrill of the hunt, and the savage reward at the end.  Dry food does not provide them with the satisfaction that killing does.  You are full of meat, and they know this.  Your cat no doubt thinks about eating you often.


They only run between your legs when you’re carrying things

Coincidence?  No.  They realize that humans carrying heavy objects have a higher probability of dying if they trip.  This is your cat’s way of seizing the opportunity to finish you off once and for all.


They always try and get in the bathroom when you’re in there

Cats know that when you’re in the bathroom, you are likely disrobed, and therefore more vulnerable to attack.  Cats refer to bathrooms as “The Kill Room”.


They won’t let you rub their bellies

If your cat attacks if your fingers go anywhere near their tummy, there’s a very good reason for it.  Your cat is likely hiding weapons in its belly fur, and does not want you to discover them.


They dig in your house plants

They’re not doing this for fun. They are practicing they’re burying skills to hide your body.


I’ll have to end the article here.  My cat is looking extremely suspicious, and I must prepare for the emanate attack.  Stay safe, fellow witches.

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